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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mike's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
8:48 pm
Monster Beats!
I have to be honest with myself.  I’m pretty much a completely different person from who  I was before my Return of Saturn (28-30 years old).  I used to only feel comfortable wearing old jeans and a t-shirt or hoodie, I hated money and politics.  Music and artistic creation were my refuge from the fakeness and bullshit of the world. Now I feel most comfortable in a sports coat and a nice collared shirt.  I’m a politician and a salesman.  I’m barely even motivated musically or artistically anymore.  I’ve become what I despised. 

But I can’t hate myself.  I’m just confused because I’m having to get to know my new self, which is completely different than the person I’ve been so far in this life.  And another thing is I’ve become very near to asexual.  Sexual experience whether shared or by myself used to be very much a tool for consciousness expansion.  I could feel my consciousness expanding out into the cosmos during these experiences.  Now, I don’t even think too often about sex, and I don’t even want to have sex unless it’s with the right person now and I spend very little time engaging in solo sexual experiences.  This is the state of my being.  I think whatever spirits are influencing me now are not too into sex.

Just spent a week in Atlanta doing sales in a big conference.  I was lucky because a product that had been at the research stage has just gone into production, and I’m one of the few people who know how to use it!  So I got to put on a suit and sell.  I must have done pretty well because I was invited to join the sales team of this company when they go to conferences all across the world every few months.  I hope I can pull this off as a part-time sales job.

Just bought Dr. Dre Monster Beats headphones.  Quite the investment, but the absolute best music listening experience of my life.

Current Mood: sick
Sunday, October 11th, 2009
11:02 pm
Being and Nothingness
I’m being honest with myself again.  I feel like I am going through the motions of life again.  I’ve lost any passion I’ve had for anything.  I try to go through my life and be successful and achieve things.  It’s all fake.  This lifestyle we live is bullshit to me.  Humans are a plague upon the earth.  I’ve been trying hard to stay above water and remain “in the light” and I will continue to pretend to care about anything in my life.  I’ll smile and laugh and pretend everything is just fine but on the inside I’m dying.  I tried to be light, but darkness wants me.  I have to descend into darkness yet again.  It’s natural to cycle.  I’ve been in the light for too long and it’s time to descend.  But I can’t do it now because I’ve taken on too much responsibility.  I’m going to teach a course on embryo vitrification at the world’s largest IVF conference in Atlanta in a week, I’m drumming for two bands and I can’t let them down, I’ve finally started a spiritual/metaphysical community here in Seattle and I’m the main political force in this community and I have to remain strong, but the biggest part of me wants to collapse.  I don’t know if I’m going in the right direction sometimes.  I think back and wonder did I make a wrong turn somewhere back there?  Am I going in a direction that is not really correct for me?  But that’s when I come to the most sad of truths... pretty much my entire life has been lived for others. 

I didn’t want to do well in grade school and high school.  I couldn’t have cared less about my grades or doing well in school, but I did well in school to please my parents.  I wanted them to be happy and not upset with me so my entire school life was performed for them, not for me. 

Then, when I was a kid, I started playing baseball in little league and on my school teams.  I didn’t play baseball because I wanted to.  I didn’t even like baseball.  It’s a boring game.  I played because it’s what all my friends were doing and I just thought, hey that’s what we’re supposed to do!  Finally, after playing baseball for 7 years in both league and on my schools’ teams, I didn’t play baseball my senior year and rowed crew that spring instead.  It felt great to quit something I didn’t even care about. 

Then I went to college, again, to make my parents happy.  Inside myself, I didn’t want to go.  I knew I would gain nothing of value by going to college, and I didn’t.  It was the biggest waste of time in my entire life.  Then I didn’t get a post-graduate degree, so my dad didn’t even say a word to me for 6 months because he was so disappointed in my decision.  By finally leaving college after 6 years and 3 bachelor’s degrees, besides quitting baseball, it was truly the first time in my life that I did something for myself - I quit going to school.  It was the best decision I ever made in my life.

So then I didn’t really know what to do after that, but I knew I had to find a way to make some more money than I was making because I could barely pay my bills and feed myself.  So I worked hard at my job, and after work I tutored kids for a while to make some extra money and also for one year I worked at a restaurant 3-4 nights a week after work.  Over the years, I slowly made my way up the career ladder.

Then I decided to move out to the west coast.  I got a great job opportunity and I came out here and tried to make my life the best it could be, and it has turned out great on paper.  My career is going very well, my bands are slowly coming along, I’ve been meeting more and more good friends in Seattle and I just recently met a new friend who I am literally in awe of.  He is my friend and teacher and is the most intelligent and knowledgeable person I’ve ever met in my entire life, I’m in excellent shape and healthy, and the only thing I don’t have is a girlfriend. 

To be honest, my love life is very bad right now.  I’ve been trying to make progress, but it just never works out.  I don’t know what is up, but it is very bad.  I have been without physical affection for a long time and I know some of it is my own fault and I push people away, so I have to blame myself.  I don’t want to go through the motions of being physically affectionate with someone I don’t have deep feelings for.  That is an analogy of what I’m doing in my life right now.  The analogy is that I’m having a physical relationship with life but I don’t have any deep feelings for life right now.  I’m so low on life energy that I can’t say I care about anything in my life.  I don’t care whether I succeed or fail in any endeavor.  Failing is not going to bring me down.  I know, given enough time, I am capable of accomplishing anything I decide to accomplish.  So failure means nothing to me.

I can’t say I’d care if my entire life just collapsed before my eyes.  I know that’s a terrible thing to say but it’s how I feel and I don’t know why.  I feel like my life is pretty much fake, but I don’t know how to make it real.  I’m not happy.  There is no love in my life.  I can’t create love out of thin air.  Love is something infinitely bigger than me and it is either inside me or outside of me, and it is completely up to it as to where it will be.  People who think they can create love don’t understand what love is.  You are lucky if it flows in your heart.  For some people, it never flows through their heart, ever.  For them life is a tragedy.  Some are lucky enough to have it flow though their hearts.  I was lucky for many years, but love has become the greatest stranger to me.  Love is so far away from me that it’s hard for me to believe I’ve ever even felt it.  Love is repulsed with who I’ve become, and I don’t blame love.  I’ve felt the agony and the ecstasy when love was in my heart.  Now I feel nothing.  I’ve felt nothing for what seems to be a very long time now.  Love has nearly vanished from my life.  I have no inspiration to create anything artistic.  So it’s no joke when I say I feel like I’m dying on the inside.  My spirit is dying.

I just bought a book of poetry by Rumi.  I was introduced to him last week and he blew my mind.  The beauty and depth of his poetry is truly beyond words.  He must have been one of the highest evolved souls to ever walk the earth.  I look to his poetry to console my heart which feels nothing these days.

Current Mood: apathetic
Wednesday, August 5th, 2009
8:21 pm
I'm gonna break my rusty cage ... and run!
I'm not very happy today.  I was disgusted to go back to work after spending the last 2 weekends, which were 4 day weekends for me, in peaceful solitude wandering along the Oregon coast and then in Glacier National Park, Montana.  I felt so high on life and now I'm fading again, living in this routine life here in civilization.  Here, where the vast majority of us desperately seek to be as "comfortable" and "happy" as we can be.  We spend most all our time laboring indoors and away from nature.  How can anyone be truly happy living this way?  No wonder we get all sorts of terrible diseases.  It's because we live like this. 

But then I think of ants.  I have the highest respect and admiration for the ant.  Their life is labour.  They labour for the good of the colony and not just for themselves.  The vast majority of ants don't even reproduce.  They are sterile females.  There is beauty and purity in their labour.  They are similar to humans living in civilized society - the web of interdependence and extreme specialization that we have created.  Then I think about all the amazing things that we are creating though science and technology.  It allows us to achieve our dreams.  I try to inspire myself to work hard and enjoy my labour even though I'd rather be wandering in the wilderness.  It is in my heart to wander and play my music, to study and learn, and to teach others along my wanderings.  Just like the ancient bards of old.  It takes effort for me to live this routine bland life of labour and comforts.  So then why don't I go off and live in the wilderness?  I don't have it in me.  It's a Rousseau idyllic fantasy.  To do that would be escape and total freedom, but it is also impossible today.  Every bit of land is "owned" either privately or by the governement.  And humans, myslef included, are social animals.  We work together and help one another.  This is how we've evolved.  Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this.  I'm just not too happy getting back to my routine : /

Current Mood: cranky
Monday, July 20th, 2009
7:10 pm
We dig for the bones of an idol when the will is gone
Yesterday was quite a day as I finally made it up to 10,080 feet up on Mt Rainier to the highest point where you can hike without a special permit, a helmet, and fee payment.  It’s a place high above the clouds called Camp Muir.  It was an amazing and unforgettable experience for sure.  I was hiking up, and then down the mountain from 10:30 AM to 5:00 PM.  The only problem was I got a terrible sunburn.  I thought that I’d been outside enough this year and was already too brown to even get a sunburn.  Of course I had to have a rude awakening.  Sunburns from snow/glacier reflection of the sun are very painful.  My face, head, neck, forearms, and knees were exposed and are causing me a stinging pain so it’s not very fun.  This is the kind of sunburn that I’m expecting will peel off in a week.  I haven’t had a sunburn this bad since I was around 20 or so.  Skin cancer here I come!

Aside form that, I began to get some intuitive feelings coming down the mountain.  I had my iPod blasting great music both hiking up and coming down the mountain which is usually enough to keep my spirits soaring.  Of course I was exhausted and severely sunburnt by the time I was making my way towards the bottom, but I just began to get some pretty bad intuitive feelings.  These feelings weren’t so much personal as they were concerning humanity as a whole.  Basically I’ve started to feel like bad things are brewing.  I’d like to deny it and just go about my daily life and try not to think bad thoughts, but my intuitive feelings regarding this seem to be getting stronger.  I hope my feelings are wrong, but the feeling I’m getting is evil is descending or rather maybe it’s ascending.

Spending the amount of time I spend alone can’t help things either.  I love being alone and I always have, but it can get to be too much after a while.  There is at least a possibility that my intuitive feelings are simply projections coming from my own psyche because I am not completely happy with my life and am spending too much time alone.  I just joined the Mountaineers, a very active local Northwest outdoors club.  That will help me meet some fellow outdoor enthusiasts.  I’ve also finally found a bi-weekly metaphysical discussion group in Seattle.  That will be another way that I can meet some new people.  Well enough with my gloom and doom.  The next two weekends will be 4 day weekends for me.  I’ll be getting away from it all along the Oregon coast for one of the weekends.  Maybe I’ll go to Montana for the other weekend but I’m not sure.

Current Mood: morose
Friday, July 17th, 2009
7:06 pm
It's coming from the sky, it's coming from the wind
Today I got out of work early.  I had a killer workout at the gym then went on a killer run all over Kirkland.  Then I went down to the apartment complex pool and jumped in for a refreshing swim.  It was 90 degrees and sunny.  There were about 25 kids in and around the pool, screaming and having fun.  I laid down in a lounge chair and stared at the sky for over an hour.  I don't think I've ever seen anything more beautiful in my life than the sky on a beautiful day like today.  I've been forgetting to look at the sky for many years now and admire it's ultimate beauty.  All these really wild and crazy thoughts came to me.  I saw all kinds of little neon blue crazy little squigglies going all over.  I usually see them every time I look at the sky.  No one else but my mom seems to be able to see them.  I feel full of life and energy.  I feel happy to be alive and blessed.  My heart is still pretty closed.  I want to open my heart to love.

Current Mood: rejuvenated
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
9:29 pm
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
I fell off the livejournal wagon yet again.  I’m going to try to get back on again.  Life has been okay.  I’ve started to fall into this extreme stasis lately.  I’m not happy, not sad, not angry.  I’m just calm and occasionally annoyed.  I’ve been watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos online and I think it has been bringing my mood down at least a little.  I try to think about things to look forward to in my life.  I’m having a birthday dinner at Tagla Ethiopian Restaurant this Saturday.  Some friends said they’d show up which will be nice.

I’m just kind of at a loss right now.  Trying to figure it all out.  The lyric form a 311 songs pops in my head “What’s it all about?”  My 2 bands aren’t going so hot.  Everything just keeps falling apart and nobody is putting forth any effort to make anything happen although the talent is so there.  I don't think anybody even has any money to even rent out the rehearsal room for an hour or two.

I’m just kinda bummed today.  I’ve been keeping up my gym schedule and running, so I’m in excellent shape which keeps me somewhat happy.  I also realized that I pretty much need coffee to actually feel completely happy.  Without coffee, I am tired, unfocused, unmotivated, and generally apathetic towards life.  With coffee, I am the exact opposite. 

I really feel like I should get a little wild.  I’m planning on buying a Kawasaki Ninja sport bike once I get enough money saved.  I also want to try some different types of drugs.  Cause right now I’m pretty fucking lame.  I’m a reserved polite young man.  I’m boring.  I bore myself.  I also say I’m gonna do things and then don’t do them.  Sometimes I set high goals and I find I don’t have the motivation to accomplish them.  It’s a struggle, which is something I do like since it makes me feel alive.

I’m reading Jared Diamond’s book The Third Chimpanzee.  It’s very good so far.  Jared Diamond is like my intellectual idol.  I’ve got nothing else to write.  Hopefully next entry I’ll feel more full of life.

Current Mood: apathetic
Sunday, June 7th, 2009
7:57 pm
I Looked at You, I Know You Wanted to, Jump in the Pool, Jump in the Pool
Well, it looks like I’ll be working 10 days straight.  I just finished Day 7.  We’re one lab member short right now because Leslie is moving, and we are jam packed with patients, most of whom have special circumstances that cause us to have to perform a lot more complex work for them.

I’m waiting for my grill to cool down and I’m going to throw on some Hawaiian marinated chicken kabobs with pineapple.  Should be delicious.

Last night one of my coworkers threw a party at her and her husband’s place.  He is an older Microsoft guy.  Their home was beautiful.  Everyone talked, drank and enjoyed some amazing Indian food.  Then after dinner, her husband invited the guys downstairs to play pool and drink scotch. 

It was my worst performance of all time playing pool.  Even a retarded child could have easily beaten me at pool they way I was playing last night.  I only sunk like 4 balls the whole night and I missed a ton of incredibly easy shots.  It was beyond humorous, and just sad, really.  I’m suspecting that everyone assumed that I actually was hiding some sort of mental or physical disability to be playing that terribly.  I was embarrassed and felt like a total loser.  I made fun of myself and just played the clown.  Most of these guys were very good and had obviously had some practice playing pool.  I have played pool on maybe 20 occasions in my entire life, but that was still no excuse for how amazingly poorly I played last night.  It was good to get out of my comfort zone though and to acknowledge to myself just how incredibly lousy I am at so many things.

I feel like in general, I tend to be incredibly bad at anything I do.  I have to work so hard and practice so much in order to be even average at anything.  I’m not complaining because I’m thankful that I can improve.  Pretty much anything that I really work at, I can become somewhat decent at, and I think that’s the way for most people too.  I just think when most people start something new, they aren’t as pathetic at it as I generally am.

Okay I’m back from my meal.  It was indeed delicious.  I love grilling.  But what I love best about it, to be honest, is cooking for others.  So why don’t I do that more often?  Good question.  Laura, Sasha, Natalie, Sam, and Rachel will be coming over to my place in a week to enjoy some of my grilling.  I guess I miss grilling once or twice a week for Laura like I used to.

Meg is going to come visit me from Northern VA in a few months and we’ll hike up to Camp Muir on Mt. Rainier and go on an extended hiking and camping trip on the Olympic Peninsula.  I’m very much looking forward to it, and seeing her.  She brings out the fun side of me and is just so good at reminding me about the importance of having fun and enjoying life.  She’s someone who refuses to live inside her comfort zone.  I’ve taken the opposite path.  I’ve become closed-in and comfort has become my greatest pursuit.  I’ve basically shut myself off from being able to make any serious leaps and bounds in personal growth because of my new priorities.  It’s sad, but I’m just guessing that living in a poor African village cut off from society and information might become rather uncomfortable pretty quickly and I’d be wishing I was comfortable again and maybe not making as many strides in personal growth.  I dunno, maybe the grass is always greener on the other side.

Current Mood: embarrassed
Thursday, June 4th, 2009
8:26 pm
Can you see those lights? That's where I live...
I have been running around 5 days a week for the last 3 weeks or so.  It’s been great.  I feel a lot younger.  I run down to Juanita Beach park and run along the water walkway while people-watching and then run up a huge terrible hill that only a lunatic would enjoy running up.  On the way up this sick ass huge hill is the best part because it’s when I suffer.  I feel alive and in a struggle.  I must have struggle in order to find meaning in my life.  When I am dying making my way up this hill I hit a point where my whole body is pulsing and aching, great music is blasting on my ipod, and it feels very similar to the moment right before an ejaculation.  It is an intense and just wonderful endorphin high.

I get back to my apartment in Kirkland after my runs and I walk a while to cool down and  the other day I asked the higher powers, “Okay.  Just what am I supposed to be doing right now with my life?” and I heard the reply in my head, “Rest!  Just have fun and rest!  Big things are going to be coming so just rest for now!”  Maybe the voice is my higher self or I’m just hallucinating, but it has always been right.  I only converse with the higher powers a few times a year.  I think anybody can do it themselves if they really want to and they have an open mind.  Some people are so psychic they do it all the time!

I know the time has come for me to start speaking my mind.  I’ve got to take the time to get out of my comfort zone of my life I’ve fallen into.  At work, I spend virtually all my time in the lab and I’m so focused.  I have to take time to get out of the lab and talk to people outside of the lab.  I have to speak my mind when coworkers say something I find absurd.  I have to give the people around me honest feedback or else I’m not really fulfilling my responsibility as a human being.  I am so quiet all the time and I am so go with the flow that I don’t really have a persona anymore.  I have to gain the courage to be myself and tell people my honest opinions on things.  I’m going to try.

Being Emo as Fuck and listening to Casket Lottery

Current Mood: determined
Sunday, May 31st, 2009
11:14 pm
And if you want to find me I'll be out in the sandbox
Today I drove downtown in the rain, 9:30 on a Tuesday night, just to check out the late-night record shop, call it impulsive, you can call it compulsive, you can call it insane, but when I’m surrounded I just can’t stop.

Okay sorry about that, let’s start this over.  Today I drove downtown to climb the stairs 76 floors up to the top of the highest skyscraper in Seattle, but unfortunately, the building was closed and locked.  Frustrated and saddened, I drove back to my apartment and downloaded a bunch of Bach Brandenburg Concertos and also some great music from the 1920’s.  I think I’m finally mature enough to be able to fully appreciate Bach.  He is by far my favorite classical composer.  I can get the musical shivers for entire songs that he has composed.  They bring me to a very high vibrational level.  And the 1920’s music is just so doggone fun.  It’s the type of music you hear playing in the background on the family’s radio in A Christmas Story.  It just brings a genuine smile to my face.

After visiting the Folklife festival last weekend and smelling all the authentic human scents emanating from all the dirty hippies, I have been inspired on my days off work to not wear deodorant and not wash myself.  Every morning when I go to work , I religiously shave, shower, and put on deodorant.  But on my own time, I’ve decided that it’s appropriate to express my natural human scent.  I’ve always appreciated the natural scent of most women too.  I think it’s good for women to not wash themselves sometimes.  It gives men the chance to smell their natural pheromones.  I have absolutely no evidence, but I think that finding out whether two people can find each others' natural scents pleasing is probably the best way for two people to find out whether they are compatible as a couple.

Current Mood: dirty
Friday, May 29th, 2009
7:13 pm
Only LOVE can Set You Free
No it’s not the name of a late 80’s/early 90’s cheesy R&B/Rap/Early Hip-Hop/Dance song (to my knowledge).  It’s the message I woke up with in my head a few days ago in the morning.  I’ve heard the saying that only Truth can set you free, but this message was that only Love can set you free.  I think it’s true.  This paradigm can easily become a prison paradigm if our hearts are not open to love.  It is the only way out.  Truth is not true unless it is Love anyway, so I think the message I heard is correct.

I’m trying to open my heart to love.  I know I’m not anywhere near doing that right now.  I’m closed in, and even on a descent into darkness.  I think about the times in my life when my heart was open to love.  When I was 18 years old.  I was alive.  Making new friends almost everyday.  Running 5-8 miles a day.  Playing guitar and writing songs everyday.  I was head over heels in love with Beth.  I loved myself.  People would walk past me and smile or just begin talking to me.  People were attracted to my energy. 

Then, out of nowhere, at 19 years of age, began my descent into the deepest darkness I had ever imagined.  I cut contact from all my friends.  I stopped running.  I hated myself for any perceived imperfection.  I hated Beth for trying to control me but couldn’t give her up because I had come to depend on her energy to help me through my life.  People would walk past me and I saw a look of disgust or even hate on their face.  I was creating that reality.  I hated everyone and everything around me and I hated myself.  Besides going to my college classes, I spent up to 15 hours a day sitting in Alderman Library reading and taking lots of time out just to think.  I had to think about a lot of things.  I had a lot of unanswered questions about myself and about human nature.  It took over 2 years of intense thinking for me to come to a greater understanding of human nature and myself.  I would never be the same again though. 

The dark period lasted until I was almost 22 years old.  Beth and I broke up.  I came to realize it was time for me to become more of a spiritual person.  It was time for me to be healed.  I was indeed healed.  Blacksburg, VA healed me.  I pried open my heart ever so slowly in those 2 years, but I was still very sad on the inside.  I wasn’t living life for myself or doing what I wanted to do.  I still hated myself on the inside.  Everyday I would repeat in my head, “I want to die.  Please let me die.”  as a kind of prayer.  But higher forces wouldn’t let me off the hook.  I had to gather the strength to live for myself.

Late Spring when I was 23 years old, for the first time in my life, I began to live for myself, and live life the way I wanted to live it.  I still carried around a lot of self-loathing though in my early 20’s.  I felt like a loser and a nobody.  I didn’t think I’d be capable of accomplishing any goals I’d set for myself.  But my heart was still beginning to open.  The story of my 20’s is the story of my heart opening up and me coming to the slow realization that I could actually accomplish any goal I set out to accomplish.  My world stayed bright for most of my 20’s, and then I moved out West.  Out here I was torn a new asshole in my career path.  It was like I had joined the military and I was broken down mentally and made to feel completely inadequate in every way possible.  Any ego I had was stripped away, and my face was metaphorically shoved in shit nearly everyday for a year straight.  This definitely had an effect on my self-esteem and my character.  I shut down and became closed in on myself.  That’s where I am today.  Through enduring my torture, and emerging victorious, I seem to have gained not only complete trust, but the highest respect from everyone I work with.  Life is easy now.  It is time to open my heart again to the universe, but I’m having some problems doing that.  I even feel like I’m descending again into darkness.  I’m on my way down again, alone, and into dark depths.  It’s all part of the game.  The greater the light, the bigger the shadow.  I’m exploring my shadow.

In American Gods, I’m at the part right now when Shadow was holding a vigil for Mr. Wednesday and he has to hang on a tree for 9 days.  He has died and is now experiencing the underworld.  But he felt more alive than he had ever felt in his pain hanging on the tree.  I think it’s inescapable that in order to really feel alive, we must suffer and feel pain.  I’ve felt most alive when in pain and suffering, when struggling.  I live for the struggle.  The struggle defines my existence.  I’m not sure what the struggle is, actually.  But I know that I live for it.  The struggle is infinite and ever-evolving.  The struggle defines life itself.  Without struggle, all life is meaningless.

Current Mood: tired
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
10:23 pm
My run from my apartment in Kirkland to Juanita Beach along Lake Washington is becoming more of a routine for me these days since it’s finally warmer around here.  I find myself doing the run every few days now.  When I run outside a lot, I feel so great and happy.  I get an endorphin high after my running.  I run throughout the year, but for over half the year, since it is cold and rainy, I run on a treadmill in the gym.  Running inside is just not the same as running outdoors.  I plan on running outside regularly throughout the summer.

During my run today I thought about many things as usual.  I thought that my life would probably be more enjoyable if I had someone in my life that I was in love with and we liked to do similar things like going jogging, hiking, and listening to music and playing music.  I haven’t been very romantic in a long time.  I also thought about about the whole right and wrong thing again, and I started to think about moral relativity.  I mean I can’t argue that anything is right or wrong because any one action is always both good and bad and it depends on what one’s perspective is.  That’s why I like the Jane’s Addiction song Ain’t No Right .  Perry’s lyrics go, “Motherfuckin’ bad wind came, blew down my home, and now the green grass grows, motherfuckin’ bad wind came, blew down my home, goddamn goodness knows, where the green grass grows, there can’t be wrong, and goodness knows, there ain’t no right, ain’t no wrong now ain’t no right, there’s only pleasure and pain...” 

It really is all relative, but I’m beginning to think that the only true thing in this reality is EMOTION.  It is always pure.  If I see a kid torturing a cat, it doesn’t matter if it is wrong or right.  What matters is my emotion after seeing it.  My rage and sadness is all that matters and all that’s actually real.  This concept is summarized poetically by John Frusciante in his song, Your Pussy’s Glued to a Building on Fire when he sings, “The smile on my face isn’t always real, but the way you make me feel, it’s all that’s really real, you little duckhouse ....”

Today was a good day.  I’m making progress at work.  It takes time to refine oneself and one’s proficiency at any procedure.  Sometime I have to remind myself that things don’t happen overnight.  Slow and steady progress is the key and going back to analyze exactly what I’m doing and why, and think hard about how I can improve.  It’s the guaranteed formula for slow and steady progress and success.

Current Mood: hopeful
Monday, May 25th, 2009
8:36 pm
It was a good weekend.  Saturday night I hung out with Mike and Derek and we got trashed and listened to Death Metal (Nevermore) and talked philosophy and politics.  It was pretty bad-ass.  I’m weak though and can’t hold my liquor so I threw it all up that night and spent Sunday morning with a headache and nausea.  I know I can’t handle more than a few beers but I went WAY overboard Saturday night. 

I woke up and I saw Derek out on my balcony smoking a cigarette and talking with all my neighbors.  They all seemed to love him and want to talk with him for hours.  I thought to myself, man, I’ve never even tried to talk to my neighbors.  What would I say to them?  How could I relate to them?  I’d have to struggle to make some small talk conversation about something I don’t care about.  But there was Derek talking up a storm with them.  It truly does take all kinds of people to make the world go round.

I drove Derek home and then ate something and went for a 3 hour walk around town.  It was perfect weather all weekend.  Then I came home and watched more conspiracy theory videos online until one of my best friends from VA, David called me up around 1:00 AM and we talked on the phone until 4:00 AM.  I hadn’t talked with him in like 3 or 4 weeks, but he reminded me that there are people out there in this world that I can relate to so deeply that it is truly beyond words.  We both understand where each other is coming from on such a deep level, and we let each other know we appreciate that aspect of our friendship.  I’m blessed to have friends like him.

Today I spent most of the day with Tasha, the guitarist and songwriter in my new band.  I helped move her mom’s mattress out of her apartment and put it up against the dumpster (which is illegal).  Some people are not decent enough to actually transport their shit to the dump, but it’s not my problem.  Then Tasha and I drove down to the Folklife Festival in Downtown Seattle.  It was a total hippiefest.  I could smell the authentic human aroma.  It was actually very refreshing.  We wash ourselves so much in this day and age in this country that we can’t even smell our natural human aromas anymore.  These dirty hippies fuckin’ reeked.  There were like a hundred of these hippie bands playing all over Seattle Center and tons of little tent shops and stuff.  Then Tasha’s friends came to meet us and they were pretty hot and tattooed up lesbians. 

As Tasha and I were leaving, there were all these kids along the street begging and playing music and stuff.  I asked Tahsa whether she thought these people were really living the hobo/tramp lifestyle or whether they were just playing pretend.  She said a few are probably real but most of them were probably rich kids just playing pretend.  I agreed with her and noted that I thought it was a form of escapism for rich kids to play the role of poor folks.  I drove Tasha back home and I cooked and ate some dinner.  It was a fun day.  I have no idea what I’ll do with the rest of the night.  I should do some reading.

Current Mood: okay
Saturday, May 23rd, 2009
8:18 pm
Playing Songs and Dancing Along, Feeling Better, Feeling Better
Ha.  I’ve got my windows open and my whole apartment smells like ganja.  My neighbors seem to enjoy the sacred herb.  I think they’re African.  It definitely makes me want to enjoy a smoke.  It’s a been a pretty long time for me.

Today was kind of hardcore.  Up at 6:00 AM and worked 10 hours.  Tons of shit to do at work.  But unexpectedly, I found out today that I have the next two days off of work so that’s totally rad!  I have no idea what I’ll do.  But now I don’t have an excuse not to get drunk tonight.  The two guitarists in my last band and I are hanging out tonight.  Should be fun.

During my run down to Lake Washington today after work it was the most beautiful weather the world has ever seen.  Everyone was hanging out at the beach enjoying the warm sun.  I was running and listening to great music on my i-pod.  During my run I came to realize that in the dimensions of this reality, the polarity of good and evil do exist and they are very real.  Outside of this reality, they do not exist.  But while we’re here, we are confronted at every moment to take a stand on one side or the other.  Sometimes it is hard to tell what actions are good and which are evil.  And I do believe that there are grey areas where maybe an action is both good and bad or neither.  I mostly feel comfortable taking a stand on the side of light.  It’s the side of creativity.  However, as light cannot exist without darkness, creativity is only possible through destruction.  And at the most essential level, they are the same.  So it’s kind of impossible to escape the paradox as far as I can tell.

Sex is a combination of both light and darkness.  It is humans at their most animalistic level.  No matter how cerebral or spiritual we try to get, it reminds us that we are indeed human and yes, animals.  For some, it seems that there is often aggression and even violence associated with sexual acts.  I’ve had many experiences with these “dark” forces being a part of the act.  Sometimes it’s been serious and sometimes humorous.  Sometimes it’s been terrible and almost traumatic, to be honest.  I also believe I’ve had the privilege of sacred sex on many occasions, but only with a very limited number of partners.  During sacred sex, both partners’ bodies and skin vibrate at a very high frequency and you can come the closest you’ll ever come on this earth to feeling another human’s soul.  It is truly a beautiful experience.

Dreams last night were so fun.  Lots of playing - rafting with friends on the other side down crazy water hills and almost losing my hat, working at Best Buy again and seeing all the old friends I used to work with there summer of 2001, running away with friends on the other side from an extremely huge, white, and shaggy Swedish dog who may or may not have been a threat, and even smelling a masculine smell in my dream and explaining to someone in my dream that these smells often linger around guys - it’s just a fact of life, and remembering it as I was waking, and then later today smelling the earth-life version of this masculine smell in the front office at work.  It was emanating from a chair that one of the front office ladies sits in.  It was again proof that dreams are at least somewhat prophetic, and at the very least somehow connected to our daily waking life.

Well I’m going to start watching Part II of David Icke’s Freedom or Fascism and then probably get drunk wit my homies and listen to some death metal.  I’m going to create a sacred weekend for myself!

Current Mood: hopeful
Friday, May 22nd, 2009
10:54 pm
Baby cum angels fly around you reminding you we used to be three and not just two
And that's how the world began

It’s funny in my last entry I said that I think people should practice some fucking birth control, and here I am helping women get pregnant for a living and thus helping to bring more people onto this earth than would otherwise be here.  Well I have to admit I don’t do what I do for ideological reasons.  When I wake up in the morning and drag my ass into work, it’s not because I have some passion or ideological motivation to help couples who are having trouble having children.  If it were up to me and I could create money out of thin air, the last place I would be is in some laboratory where I don’t see the light of day.  I’d be out hiking most everyday, writing and recording music, reading and researching topics that interest me, and traveling wherever I felt like.  These are exactly the things I do in my free time.  Unfortunately, money is this thing that exists and I am not smart enough to have my money work for me.  So that’s why I work for my money.  It’s not a bad gig at all.  Honestly, I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity that I have been given.  I excel because I don’t do anything half-assed.  I want to be the best I can be at anything I do.  

I’ve already started to feel more alive that I’ve started writing regularly in this journal again.  There is something very powerful about keeping a journal - online or private.  You can converse and reflect more in depth about anything and everything.

Tasha and I had a good practice earlier tonight.  Anthony, our bassist, was unable to make it to practice.  He’s going to Sasquatch Festival this weekend to see Jane’s Addiction, NIN, and all the other cool bands.  I’m not upset about not going since I don’t really dig the whole music festival environment.  I think it is a thousand times better to see a band you like in as much of an intimate environment as possible.

Well I have long days of work ahead of me so I am going to sleep hard and have huge dreams.  Dreams where I can escape from this prison world with its physical laws and limitations.  Dreams where I exist at way higher vibrational levels and great music is playing in the background the whole time and where I’m feeling cool and weird emotions that really can’t be felt in the waking state.  I know waking life can be whatever we want to create it to be.  Waking life is formed directly from belief.  But if I create a high vibration existence around myself, I don’t really get the chance to accomplish much in this world.  It’s better to get our hands dirty and do something real than to stay clean and sterile in some ivory tower and a total alien to the true realities of life.

Current Mood: blah
Thursday, May 21st, 2009
11:23 pm
Me Tell Ya, It's a Cosmic, yeah, eetz a Cosmic Force
Today was a pretty good day.  I read more American Gods on the balcony of my apartment and got a bit of a sunburn.  It will go from red to brown in about 3 days.  I always get a sunburn every year once or twice in late spring and then I’m good for the rest of the summer.  My grandmother on my dad’s side had very dark skin.  As a child I even asked her, grandma why is your skin so dark?  She said in her thick German accent, “When your grandpa brought me over here from Germany, all da people said I was a nigger!  I had to prove to them that I was a white person!”  I laughed.  Silly grandma.

Well I got two new pictures framed and put up in my apartment.  One is in the kitchen and is a nice shot of downtown Seattle with Mount Rainier in the background.  The other is a color print of the Camille Flammarion woodcut of a pilgrim looking into the cosmos.  It’s SOOOO cool.  I like it for it’s symbolism, because that’s what I’m trying to do!  I want to see what’s going on on the other side!  I guess I really don’t want to know that bad because I would totally be doing a ton of heroin if I was serious about it.  I think drugs can help you get an idea of what’s going on on the other side.  I don’t want to fuck up my life though so I generally stay away from drugs, but I realize that also keeps me a long distance from coming to many cosmic understandings.

I’m watching a series of lectures on google video by David Icke called Freedom or Fascism.  He’s a pretty good presenter.  Definitely an alternative viewpoint.  I’m right there with him up to the reptilian part of his thesis.  It’s a big jump, but I remain open-minded.  I have often had thoughts that this entire planet is the property of an alien species.  They could have actually genetically engineered humankind and are harvesting us because they feed on something that we produce - thoughts.  Our thoughts and emotions could actually be their food.  So they don’t want to destroy us because they would be destroying their own food source, but they definitely do not have our best interests in mind.  However, then I posit that there are forces infinitely more powerful than they are that indeed do have our best interests in mind.  We are kind of like ants to them though, so they can only really take so much time to help us out.  They generally will make sure that this other alien race will not totally fuck us all up.  But we are kind of already swiftly on the way to fucking ourselves up without any outside intervention.  I mean look at how fast we are destroying this planet.  I honestly do think that we need to practice some fucking birth control and also be as intelligent as possible about how we can to continue technological progress without destroying the environment in the process. 

Later, Laura and I went to south Seattle to one of my all-time favorite restaurants - Tagla Ethiopian.  It was exquisite as always.  A whole meal for two people for $16.00.  I left $30.00 because that’s at the very least what it was worth.

I want to talk once more about animal abuse issues.  I was so traumatized earlier this week when seeing those videos.  I am sickened by people who say things like, people only care when cute fuzzy animals are tortured or abused.  No one cares when a snake or a lizard it tortured or killed.  And also there are 30,000 people who die everyday due to starvation.  Well for one, I don’t like to see any being tortured or abused.  Number two, when humans suffer, it is different than when animals suffer.  Humans suffer only at the hands of other humans, or natural forces.  Animals can and do suffer at the hands of humans and that is a vulgar abuse of power.  Animals also suffer at the hands (or paws or teeth) of other animals and it is usually in the process of being eaten or in fighting with other animals of the same species for territory or mating privileges.  This is seen as natural, but occasionally animals are tortured by other animals.  For instance, before a younger cat eats a mouse it will quite often play (torture) the mouse extensively before consuming it.  Killer whales are notorious for torturing sea lions for no other reason than for sport and their own enjoyment.  We can only suspect this is “play” as brutal as it is.  The orcas will batter a sea lion for hours and leave it for dead in the ocean.  They often will not even eat the sea lion.  So basically even in nature, we can see torture and extreme brutality.  This type of behavior is just a part of life on this low-vibrating earth on which we live.  It is also a part of the human psyche that has been with humanity from the very beginning.  All this rationalization does not prevent me from feeling disgusted and enraged by animal torture and even torture to fellow humans.  I’m not in general very fond of the human species, but I still am not happy to see suffering.  I think the main thing is to just not create it in my life.  I don’t want anything to do with torture or suffering and I will not allow it in my life, and general, thankfully it does not find its way into my life.

Current Mood: discontent
Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
8:44 pm
I'm Back
Today, I am resurrecting this journal.  The energy is correct for it to again become a living, breathing organism.  In the present incarnation, this journal will chronicle my journey to the darkest regions of my mind, the highest peaks of my understanding, and the good, the bad, and the ugly of my soul will be exposed.  Writing things out helps me grow and evolve as a person and thus it is very important to me.  This journal may now often begin to take on a stream of consciousness style as I venture on a journey into my imagination, my search for “truth,” and chronicle my existence, my struggle.  Life is pointless without the struggle against challenges. I will document my thoughts on the most superficial of events to the deepest insights I am capable of presenting.

Today was a much better day than yesterday since I didn’t watch that most fucked-up video of cat abuse that made me want to kill those fucking kids.  But I still thought about it.  I am so upset by animal abuse is because I know that I myself, am an animal.  Most of us are, whether we know it or not.  We shape-shift in another dimension called the nether-world.  My friend Eleni once explained it to me.  She is a (large predatory) cat in this other dimension.  I told her I didn’t know what I was, but over the years I have come to find out how I most often shape-shift.  I looked into the mirror early last week on a trip I took out to the desert in the middle of Washington State when I stopped at a store to use the bathroom and what I saw almost startled me.  I saw my reflection in the mirror and I am indeed a wolf.  I saw a wolves’ eyes staring back at me.  I know I also shape-shift into an owl and a rabbit sometimes.

So most all of us are all animals in other dimensions.  I hope there is divine justice for these fucks who abuse animals.  I pray to the angles that justice will be delivered.  I’d like to think that there is some justice in this universe.  Maybe karma, so if people don’t pay for things in this life, they pay for it in the afterlife or in a future life.  I think that people will experience pain until a deeper understanding of their actions is reached, so that is kind of like karma.

My biggest struggle at this point is to open up to the world again.  I have closed myself in.  I moved across the country and took on a challenging opportunity to advance my current career.  It has been a tough but rewarding experience so far.  But I’ve closed my Cancerian shell to the world and I’m hiding inside.  I want to run away and just be far away from everyone and the entire world.  I feel I don’t belong to this world.  I feel I can’t relate to anyone in this world.  It is almost like nearly everyone is an alien to me.  I have to struggle to relate to anyone and I just hold on to any most superficial thing we can small-talk about.  I don’t get sucked into any dramas.  I have no desire to be a part of any dramas.

I have goals that will help me to open up to the world more.  When I left VA, my heart was open to the cosmos and people were pouring into my life and I was making progress in all aspects of my life.  I have to get back to that point, and even push it further.  I’ve got a lot to learn, and a lot to accomplish.

My dreams have been very big recently.  I wake up and I am like, woah, that was big stuff.  In a dream last week, an asteroid hit earth and destroyed everything.  Everyone in my dream  was really happy to see it all destroyed though.  Everyone was kind of relieved like, whew, finally!  That crap is over now!  I often have to view the world through rose-tinted glasses.  Sometimes it truly does feel magical.  It almost reaches the state like it feels in dreams, but it is still pretty rare for me.  Just living in this world is subjecting ourselves to much lower vibrations than a lot of us experience in dreams.  I always find myself in magical dream worlds where all kinds of cool stuff is happening.  Then I wake up and am like man, what happened?  Then I go live in this mundane world where things are sometimes cool, but most of the time they kinda suck.

I’m not as happy as I used to be.  I don’t know what my problem is because I have every reason to be happy.  I still manage to work hard and do it with a smile.  The positive thing is that I am accomplishing all my dreams one by one.  It’s just a struggle of a ride to make it happen.  Music helps.  In fact, without music, I probably would have committed suicide a long time ago.  Getting lost in music is the closest I can get during the waking hours to the way my soul feels during my dream existence.

I have a lot more to say, personal stuff about myself and commentary on all kinds of things, and it will all be coming soon.  Thank you, reflection.

Current Mood: gloomy
Monday, May 18th, 2009
10:32 pm
Terrible Day of Darkness
Today was one of the darkest days I've experienced in a long time and it is all because if this:

This will ruin anyone's entire day and maybe even more.  It is simply terrible and no one should click on it unless they wish to explore depths of darkness:


At first, my reaction was sadness and rage at seeing the videos.  I was thinking that this kid deserved to be shot.  As my anger slowly wore off, I began to think more deeply about this tragedy.  What would cause someone to act like this?  Well yeah, some people are just fucked up.  But more times than not, I think environment plays a huge role.  I'm guessing this kid was sexually abused repeatedly or just completely ignored by his parents or something really bad that would cause him to act this way.  I found it most revealing when in the second video, he said something along the lines of "This is a kid, except this kid happens to be a cat and he is about to be initiated."  That statement reveals a lot.

The word initiation is used in very specific settings.  One initiated into a gang, or a fraternity, or a closed society of some sort.  There is a ceremony associated with all initiations.  He was seeing the cat as a child who was being "initiated."  Perhaps re-enacting a trauma he had experienced himself?  Instead of being the defenseless victim, he becomes the sadistic aggressor?  I don't know.  I can only guess.

I do know that Jeffrey Dahmer tortured animals when younger and then moved onto bigger things later in life.  I know lots of adolescent males engage in similar behavior, but there was something very extreme about this incident.  There is something in this kid that is really pure evil.

I, like most people, are more traumatized by seeing a defenseless animal abused than seeing a human abused or suffering.  I'm not happy to see human suffering, but animals are innocent creatures.  Humans are not.  Humans are on track to destroy this earth before its time.  Animals have always lived in balance with nature.  Call me a misanthrope, and I will proudly accept the title.  I am not happy to see animals slaughtered for food, and I hope we will evolve past it, but I understand it.  I even understand why some may torture animals, but I'll never accept it.

Fuck that kid man.  I don't care what happened to him.  You don't treat animals like that.

This day sucked because of seeing this shit.  But as the day comes to a close I realize that I must venture into the darkness sometimes.  So much of the time people want to ignore all the fucked up shit in the world and stay on the surface.  They never achieve any depth in their lives.  They'll never inspire anyone.  I know I have to periodically delve into the depths of darkness because when I come out my light is brighter.

Current Mood: morose
Saturday, April 25th, 2009
7:29 pm
You thought it was over, it’s not over, I came back, I brought my axe...
Classic lyrics from the classic album The Bleeding by Cannibal Corpse.  Summer of 1998 that was one of my favorite albums, along with albums by Third Eye Blind, Ben Folds Five, Morbid Angel, Harriet Tubman, and various reggae and classical guitar compilations.  I think it’s cool how we all have a soundtrack to our lives - all the songs that have inspired unique emotions in us based on what we were going through at any given time.  The emotions inspired by the songs are so personal and special.  That’s also what makes it difficult if not impossible for anyone else to be able to relate to what we’ve felt though.  It’s just so personal.

I am writing mostly with the aid of Starbucks coffee.  I’ve always felt more motivated to do anything while drinking coffee.  A lot of the time I feel unmotivated, and it’s a constant struggle to accomplish anything.  I only drink it once or twice a week though because I don’t want to build up a tolerance.  I want it to pack a strong punch each time I drink it.

Every now and then, I like to check alexa.com just to see what websites are the most popular.  Unfortunately, since the last time I checked (maybe 5 months ago), the ranking for livejournal.com has dropped fairly significantly.  At the same time, websites like facebook have risen in the rankings.  Livejournal takes work.  It takes work to write something significant.  It takes work to read something significant that someone else wrote.  And by significant, I mean something honest and more than a sentence or two - more than a fun little quip or superficial update about our day’s events on twitter or a status update on facebook.  That’s why I appreciate livejournal.  It invites us to be more honest.  It invites us to analyze things on a deeper level and communicate on a deeper level.  I feel like reading through my friend’s status updates on facebook is like going to a party and sipping beer and chit chatting.  It’s bright and fun chit chat, but it really isn’t anything too significant.  I just have to remind myself that not too many people are very deep and that’s okay.  And it’s also hard to be deep in most settings.

As the door begins to close on my 20’s I’ve found myself looking back on them more recently.  It’s a been a wild ride.  I would have never guessed that things would have ended up turning out the way that they have turned out (so far, at least).  Life is always full of incredible surprises.  Of course, it keeps things interesting.  I feel like I’m a different person from who I was during my 20’s.  It’s weird.  I feel like I’m trying to get to know who I’ve become.  I don’t even know if I like the new person that much!  I’ve completely lost touch with the passionate and creative part of myself.  I feel old and even somewhat wise, but I’ve lost the fool.  Life is bland and pretty much pointless without foolishness.  I like Bow Wow Wow’s cover of Fools Rush In when Annabella sings, “Fools rush in, where wise men fear to go, but wise men never fall in love, so how are they to know.”  It pretty much sums up how I feel.

I don’t know what else to even write.  I’m not very inspired today, and I tell myself that it’s okay.  It doesn’t mean I can’t update my journal anyway.  See, that rhymed.  I’m a rapper beeyotch.

I’m gonna jam with an 18 year old black girl next week and hopefully we’ll start a band together.  I know I’m objectifying this young lady by mentioning that she is an 18 year old black girl.  If she were a 27 year old white male, I would just write, “I am jamming with this guy next week.”

To be completely honest, Seattle has never felt like home to me and I don’t think it ever will.  I make it home though.  I really haven’t been to all that many places in the world, but the places  that I’ve felt that “you’re home!” energy has been the Washington D.C. area, NYC, Chicago, and virtually anywhere in the state of Florida.  I basically feel at home wherever there are a bunch of Jews.  If I go to a party, I will find the Jew and we’ll talk for hours.  It’s not because I am looking for them either.  That is just where I will end up.  I don’t think I have any Jewish blood, but I’d like to get a genetic test someday soon to see what my genetic heritage is, and also my genetic predispositions to any diseases.  I heard that 23andme.com is the best way to go for now.

I think part of not really feeling the “home” feeling is that I haven’t met many people and not “the right” people out here yet.  I don’t feel like I can really relate to anyone I’ve met out here.  I feel very isolated to be completely honest, I miss my friends that I feel like I can completely relate to - Patrick, Nick, David, and Paul.  I’m not going anywhere anytime soon though.  I plan on staying here for a long time.  I make it home.

The sun is peeking through the clouds outside right now and I am feeling a little inspired.  I do realize and greatly appreciate that higher intelligences are in touch with my thoughts.  I see the evidence everyday.  I’m honored.  So I can’t really feel isolated when I understand things like this.  I may be letting these intelligences down.  I may feel a direct connection with the divine and I don’t really expand upon it.  I don’t take the energy and create something to inspire others.  I just kind of take it in and it’s kind of selfish at this point.  I don’t believe in myself enough to think I could inspire anyone else at this point.  I’d love to do it.  So I’ll try to do it.

Sleep is very important.  Most of the real work in our lives is done in the sleep state.  Everything can just fall into place in our lives if we sleep in the proper manner - not just getting enough sleep or on the perfect mattress, but if we begin to understand the spiritual importance in the act of sleep.

Well this became sort of a stream of consciousness journal update.  It was a good journey.  I felt I didn’t have anything to write at first, but just decided to push it.  I’m not sure if that was a good idea, but that’s what I did.  It was a light rain.  A leaf dropped in a  nice slow moving stream and it became submerged as it reached the lake.  Then it became sunny and cool outside.  The leaf begins to decompose on the lake bed.  Microorganisms receive life-giving energy from the decomposing leaf.  Life is ever-transforming and ever-evolving.  Energy is constantly in motion.  Time is related to motion.  Without motion, there is no time.  Time is actually illusory.  “Now” is all that really exists.  But that former “now” no longer exists.  But it happened, right?  It “was” real when it was happening.  So it “is” real.  Now we call it “the past.”  It‘s a cosmic symphony and we are all playing our little part - our entire universe, a grain of sand on the beach.  It all seems so insignificant, yet every instant is so undeniably and magnificently important.

I could go on, but it would be in poor taste.  My coffee high is wearing off.  I’d like to go get more coffee, but I’d rather restrain myself.  I’ll end with a poem I wrote a month or two ago in the middle of the night on my i-phone notes program:

You’ve always held the key
Because no one sends their consciousness out beyond the stars quite like you do
And we all know this
So how could we not love you?
When to the deepest depths of the ocean ventures your desire for understanding
I can only image the scent of glistening sweat on your skin
Life without art is worthless
Art without inspiration, impossible
Love and
With a smile
Every moment is an orgasm
An instant
Captured in your eyes
I made you laugh once
And that was the most important thing I’ll have ever done
My love
My muse
I’m falling yet again out of the mundane
Out of reality and into a dream
Into creative indulgence
And into bliss
Where I’m really me
And connected to everything
And you
And there’s nothing but limitlessness

Current Mood: awake
Monday, April 20th, 2009
8:55 pm
It's been far too long since I've updated my journal.  Not too much is new.  Just been focusing on getting my apartment set up the way I want it to be set up.  It's been an all-consuming endeavor but it is near completion as well as perfection.

Made some positive diet changes.  Every morning now I actually consume a breakfast and it's made a huge difference in my life.  I drink an Odwalla Chocolate Protein Monster Shake and an Odwalla Protien bar.  Between the two, I get over 100% of my daily recommendation of protein.  I feel great all day and I don't crave eating any crap.  I also get more pay off in muscle growth after going to the gym.  Most of the protien I'm consuming is from soy.  There is a bad rumor that soy protein has estrogenic effects or can cause tumor growth.  It's a bunch of bullshit.  Industrial interests have funded these dispariging "studies."  Soy protein is a cheap, humane, and environmentally friendly source of protien and it's completely healthy.

I went to see a psychic.  She had some good things to say and some bad.  Good is - I will live into my 90's, travel all over the world, won't be very wealthy, but will never have to beg for money, will get married and have kids.  Bad is, I, like everyone will face tragedies, but she said it is nothing I can't handle.  The worst is that I have negative energy that is from my past and is dragging me down.  I must slough off this negative energy placed on my by others because it is holding me back.  I have to light candles and lay in the bathtub and meditiate in water with sea salt.  I haven't done it yet but I plan on it.  She said a bunch more stuff but they are details.  She was also right on about my past.

Going to see my favorite band of all time, My Bloody Valentine in Seattle next week.  Can't wait!  I'm lucky to live here now because they are only playing 3 shows in the US: in Texas, Seattle, and at Coachella in CA.  Yipee!

Also listening to a lot of Sleepy Eyes of Death.  Great Seattle epic artsy electronica/rock band.

Reading lots and lots.  American Gods by Neil Gaiman, and Psychic Living and Intuitive Living by Andrei Ridgeway.

That's all for now. 

Current Mood: okay
Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
6:23 pm
Sadness, It's a Cloud
Today we are literally living in a cloud in the Seattle area.  You can't see more than about 30 ft in front of you.  It's very calming though - nice cool and misty.  It's just as cozy as ever.  Now where's my coffee dammit!  This weather will put you to sleep faster than an episode of Falcon Crest.  How's that for a rather obscure 80's TV reference?  I know, I know it sucked.  Well how about Land of the Lost?  That was a pretty boring ass show.  I mean half the freaking show happened in a cave for Christ's sake.

Laura and Sasha found an apartment downtown - right across from the Lenin statue in Fremont, which is just about the hippest/coolest neighborhood in all of Seattle.  I'm looking forward to visiting them and having them introduce me to some cool new spots to chill.  I'm also looking forward to living in my own place.  My basic plan is to become a total and complete hermit and not talk to anyone or meet anyone new.  I plan on immersing myself in the study of very unconventional topics and basically removing myself from reality as much as possible.  It's going to be great!  Strangely enough I think I'll miss petting and playing with the cats, but I will by no means miss the cat piss/ cat poo smell that constantly seems to linger in the bathroom and hallway.  Ugh, can't we all just agree to have "outside cats?"  Laura is afraid they'll get run over or eaten by a coyote if they become outside cats.  Oh well.

Today at work Leslie forced me to listen to this guy, Matt Nathanson.  It was like the first time I actually listened to what seemed to be genuine heartfelt songs in ages ... and they seemed not only highly fake and cheesy, but highly inappropriate for the modern age in which we live!  Maybe I'm just brainwashed because all I ever listen to now is KEXP where they usually just play all these newer than new happy fun indie hipster songs, but the whole John Mayer/Jack Johnson romantic acoustic singer songwriter style just seems in such bad taste to me.  Who am I to talk though?  Half the time I'm listening to some type of death metal anyway, which is absolutely about the worst taste in music anyone can have (and incidentally an important reason why I love it so).

Not much else to report.  I'm proud of the United States for finally electing a non-white person as president.  It's a great way to tell the rest of the world that Americans are ready for change, and we're not all belligerent ignoramuses that support ol' Dubya.  I kinda feel for Obama though.  Man stuff pretty much sucks all around right now and it's probably gonna be getting worse for a while.  Meanwhile people have such high hopes and expectations.  It's a tough position to be in.

I started reading The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb last night.  It's pretty damn awesome.  The guy is a true intellectual rebel and he pretty much criticizes everything about everything in a fairly entertaining way, all the while making everyone really think hard (in a good way) about everything we think we know.  I continue to watch How I Met Your Mother and Family Guy and I think How I Met Your Mother might be my most favorite TV show of all time.  I'm just mesmerized by it.  For music, lately it's Rush, Elton John, David Bowie, Band of Horses, Bow Wow Wow, and Helms Alee.  After over 29 years, I've finally just gotten to the point where I can listen to Rush.  I mean Geddy Lee's voice is not only annoying, but absolutely creepy.  Who would sing like that and expect people to like it?  It's just terrible.  But Neal Peart is like one of the best drummers ever so he makes up for the creeptastic vocals.  So that's it for now.  Time to go cook up some homemade mashed potatoes and gravy and grill up some steaks (from some brutally murdered and butchered innocent cow).  In vitro meat, people - one day.

Current Mood: dorky
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