Mike (perturbedbeats) wrote,

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Being and Nothingness

I’m being honest with myself again.  I feel like I am going through the motions of life again.  I’ve lost any passion I’ve had for anything.  I try to go through my life and be successful and achieve things.  It’s all fake.  This lifestyle we live is bullshit to me.  Humans are a plague upon the earth.  I’ve been trying hard to stay above water and remain “in the light” and I will continue to pretend to care about anything in my life.  I’ll smile and laugh and pretend everything is just fine but on the inside I’m dying.  I tried to be light, but darkness wants me.  I have to descend into darkness yet again.  It’s natural to cycle.  I’ve been in the light for too long and it’s time to descend.  But I can’t do it now because I’ve taken on too much responsibility.  I’m going to teach a course on embryo vitrification at the world’s largest IVF conference in Atlanta in a week, I’m drumming for two bands and I can’t let them down, I’ve finally started a spiritual/metaphysical community here in Seattle and I’m the main political force in this community and I have to remain strong, but the biggest part of me wants to collapse.  I don’t know if I’m going in the right direction sometimes.  I think back and wonder did I make a wrong turn somewhere back there?  Am I going in a direction that is not really correct for me?  But that’s when I come to the most sad of truths... pretty much my entire life has been lived for others. 

I didn’t want to do well in grade school and high school.  I couldn’t have cared less about my grades or doing well in school, but I did well in school to please my parents.  I wanted them to be happy and not upset with me so my entire school life was performed for them, not for me. 

Then, when I was a kid, I started playing baseball in little league and on my school teams.  I didn’t play baseball because I wanted to.  I didn’t even like baseball.  It’s a boring game.  I played because it’s what all my friends were doing and I just thought, hey that’s what we’re supposed to do!  Finally, after playing baseball for 7 years in both league and on my schools’ teams, I didn’t play baseball my senior year and rowed crew that spring instead.  It felt great to quit something I didn’t even care about. 

Then I went to college, again, to make my parents happy.  Inside myself, I didn’t want to go.  I knew I would gain nothing of value by going to college, and I didn’t.  It was the biggest waste of time in my entire life.  Then I didn’t get a post-graduate degree, so my dad didn’t even say a word to me for 6 months because he was so disappointed in my decision.  By finally leaving college after 6 years and 3 bachelor’s degrees, besides quitting baseball, it was truly the first time in my life that I did something for myself - I quit going to school.  It was the best decision I ever made in my life.

So then I didn’t really know what to do after that, but I knew I had to find a way to make some more money than I was making because I could barely pay my bills and feed myself.  So I worked hard at my job, and after work I tutored kids for a while to make some extra money and also for one year I worked at a restaurant 3-4 nights a week after work.  Over the years, I slowly made my way up the career ladder.

Then I decided to move out to the west coast.  I got a great job opportunity and I came out here and tried to make my life the best it could be, and it has turned out great on paper.  My career is going very well, my bands are slowly coming along, I’ve been meeting more and more good friends in Seattle and I just recently met a new friend who I am literally in awe of.  He is my friend and teacher and is the most intelligent and knowledgeable person I’ve ever met in my entire life, I’m in excellent shape and healthy, and the only thing I don’t have is a girlfriend. 

To be honest, my love life is very bad right now.  I’ve been trying to make progress, but it just never works out.  I don’t know what is up, but it is very bad.  I have been without physical affection for a long time and I know some of it is my own fault and I push people away, so I have to blame myself.  I don’t want to go through the motions of being physically affectionate with someone I don’t have deep feelings for.  That is an analogy of what I’m doing in my life right now.  The analogy is that I’m having a physical relationship with life but I don’t have any deep feelings for life right now.  I’m so low on life energy that I can’t say I care about anything in my life.  I don’t care whether I succeed or fail in any endeavor.  Failing is not going to bring me down.  I know, given enough time, I am capable of accomplishing anything I decide to accomplish.  So failure means nothing to me.

I can’t say I’d care if my entire life just collapsed before my eyes.  I know that’s a terrible thing to say but it’s how I feel and I don’t know why.  I feel like my life is pretty much fake, but I don’t know how to make it real.  I’m not happy.  There is no love in my life.  I can’t create love out of thin air.  Love is something infinitely bigger than me and it is either inside me or outside of me, and it is completely up to it as to where it will be.  People who think they can create love don’t understand what love is.  You are lucky if it flows in your heart.  For some people, it never flows through their heart, ever.  For them life is a tragedy.  Some are lucky enough to have it flow though their hearts.  I was lucky for many years, but love has become the greatest stranger to me.  Love is so far away from me that it’s hard for me to believe I’ve ever even felt it.  Love is repulsed with who I’ve become, and I don’t blame love.  I’ve felt the agony and the ecstasy when love was in my heart.  Now I feel nothing.  I’ve felt nothing for what seems to be a very long time now.  Love has nearly vanished from my life.  I have no inspiration to create anything artistic.  So it’s no joke when I say I feel like I’m dying on the inside.  My spirit is dying.

I just bought a book of poetry by Rumi.  I was introduced to him last week and he blew my mind.  The beauty and depth of his poetry is truly beyond words.  He must have been one of the highest evolved souls to ever walk the earth.  I look to his poetry to console my heart which feels nothing these days.
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