Mike (perturbedbeats) wrote,

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You thought it was over, it’s not over, I came back, I brought my axe...

Classic lyrics from the classic album The Bleeding by Cannibal Corpse.  Summer of 1998 that was one of my favorite albums, along with albums by Third Eye Blind, Ben Folds Five, Morbid Angel, Harriet Tubman, and various reggae and classical guitar compilations.  I think it’s cool how we all have a soundtrack to our lives - all the songs that have inspired unique emotions in us based on what we were going through at any given time.  The emotions inspired by the songs are so personal and special.  That’s also what makes it difficult if not impossible for anyone else to be able to relate to what we’ve felt though.  It’s just so personal.

I am writing mostly with the aid of Starbucks coffee.  I’ve always felt more motivated to do anything while drinking coffee.  A lot of the time I feel unmotivated, and it’s a constant struggle to accomplish anything.  I only drink it once or twice a week though because I don’t want to build up a tolerance.  I want it to pack a strong punch each time I drink it.

Every now and then, I like to check alexa.com just to see what websites are the most popular.  Unfortunately, since the last time I checked (maybe 5 months ago), the ranking for livejournal.com has dropped fairly significantly.  At the same time, websites like facebook have risen in the rankings.  Livejournal takes work.  It takes work to write something significant.  It takes work to read something significant that someone else wrote.  And by significant, I mean something honest and more than a sentence or two - more than a fun little quip or superficial update about our day’s events on twitter or a status update on facebook.  That’s why I appreciate livejournal.  It invites us to be more honest.  It invites us to analyze things on a deeper level and communicate on a deeper level.  I feel like reading through my friend’s status updates on facebook is like going to a party and sipping beer and chit chatting.  It’s bright and fun chit chat, but it really isn’t anything too significant.  I just have to remind myself that not too many people are very deep and that’s okay.  And it’s also hard to be deep in most settings.

As the door begins to close on my 20’s I’ve found myself looking back on them more recently.  It’s a been a wild ride.  I would have never guessed that things would have ended up turning out the way that they have turned out (so far, at least).  Life is always full of incredible surprises.  Of course, it keeps things interesting.  I feel like I’m a different person from who I was during my 20’s.  It’s weird.  I feel like I’m trying to get to know who I’ve become.  I don’t even know if I like the new person that much!  I’ve completely lost touch with the passionate and creative part of myself.  I feel old and even somewhat wise, but I’ve lost the fool.  Life is bland and pretty much pointless without foolishness.  I like Bow Wow Wow’s cover of Fools Rush In when Annabella sings, “Fools rush in, where wise men fear to go, but wise men never fall in love, so how are they to know.”  It pretty much sums up how I feel.

I don’t know what else to even write.  I’m not very inspired today, and I tell myself that it’s okay.  It doesn’t mean I can’t update my journal anyway.  See, that rhymed.  I’m a rapper beeyotch.

I’m gonna jam with an 18 year old black girl next week and hopefully we’ll start a band together.  I know I’m objectifying this young lady by mentioning that she is an 18 year old black girl.  If she were a 27 year old white male, I would just write, “I am jamming with this guy next week.”

To be completely honest, Seattle has never felt like home to me and I don’t think it ever will.  I make it home though.  I really haven’t been to all that many places in the world, but the places  that I’ve felt that “you’re home!” energy has been the Washington D.C. area, NYC, Chicago, and virtually anywhere in the state of Florida.  I basically feel at home wherever there are a bunch of Jews.  If I go to a party, I will find the Jew and we’ll talk for hours.  It’s not because I am looking for them either.  That is just where I will end up.  I don’t think I have any Jewish blood, but I’d like to get a genetic test someday soon to see what my genetic heritage is, and also my genetic predispositions to any diseases.  I heard that 23andme.com is the best way to go for now.

I think part of not really feeling the “home” feeling is that I haven’t met many people and not “the right” people out here yet.  I don’t feel like I can really relate to anyone I’ve met out here.  I feel very isolated to be completely honest, I miss my friends that I feel like I can completely relate to - Patrick, Nick, David, and Paul.  I’m not going anywhere anytime soon though.  I plan on staying here for a long time.  I make it home.

The sun is peeking through the clouds outside right now and I am feeling a little inspired.  I do realize and greatly appreciate that higher intelligences are in touch with my thoughts.  I see the evidence everyday.  I’m honored.  So I can’t really feel isolated when I understand things like this.  I may be letting these intelligences down.  I may feel a direct connection with the divine and I don’t really expand upon it.  I don’t take the energy and create something to inspire others.  I just kind of take it in and it’s kind of selfish at this point.  I don’t believe in myself enough to think I could inspire anyone else at this point.  I’d love to do it.  So I’ll try to do it.

Sleep is very important.  Most of the real work in our lives is done in the sleep state.  Everything can just fall into place in our lives if we sleep in the proper manner - not just getting enough sleep or on the perfect mattress, but if we begin to understand the spiritual importance in the act of sleep.

Well this became sort of a stream of consciousness journal update.  It was a good journey.  I felt I didn’t have anything to write at first, but just decided to push it.  I’m not sure if that was a good idea, but that’s what I did.  It was a light rain.  A leaf dropped in a  nice slow moving stream and it became submerged as it reached the lake.  Then it became sunny and cool outside.  The leaf begins to decompose on the lake bed.  Microorganisms receive life-giving energy from the decomposing leaf.  Life is ever-transforming and ever-evolving.  Energy is constantly in motion.  Time is related to motion.  Without motion, there is no time.  Time is actually illusory.  “Now” is all that really exists.  But that former “now” no longer exists.  But it happened, right?  It “was” real when it was happening.  So it “is” real.  Now we call it “the past.”  It‘s a cosmic symphony and we are all playing our little part - our entire universe, a grain of sand on the beach.  It all seems so insignificant, yet every instant is so undeniably and magnificently important.

I could go on, but it would be in poor taste.  My coffee high is wearing off.  I’d like to go get more coffee, but I’d rather restrain myself.  I’ll end with a poem I wrote a month or two ago in the middle of the night on my i-phone notes program:

You’ve always held the key
Because no one sends their consciousness out beyond the stars quite like you do
And we all know this
So how could we not love you?
When to the deepest depths of the ocean ventures your desire for understanding
I can only image the scent of glistening sweat on your skin
Life without art is worthless
Art without inspiration, impossible
Love and
With a smile
Every moment is an orgasm
An instant
Captured in your eyes
I made you laugh once
And that was the most important thing I’ll have ever done
My love
My muse
I’m falling yet again out of the mundane
Out of reality and into a dream
Into creative indulgence
And into bliss
Where I’m really me
And connected to everything
And you
And there’s nothing but limitlessness
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