Mike (perturbedbeats) wrote,

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I'm Back

Today, I am resurrecting this journal.  The energy is correct for it to again become a living, breathing organism.  In the present incarnation, this journal will chronicle my journey to the darkest regions of my mind, the highest peaks of my understanding, and the good, the bad, and the ugly of my soul will be exposed.  Writing things out helps me grow and evolve as a person and thus it is very important to me.  This journal may now often begin to take on a stream of consciousness style as I venture on a journey into my imagination, my search for “truth,” and chronicle my existence, my struggle.  Life is pointless without the struggle against challenges. I will document my thoughts on the most superficial of events to the deepest insights I am capable of presenting.

Today was a much better day than yesterday since I didn’t watch that most fucked-up video of cat abuse that made me want to kill those fucking kids.  But I still thought about it.  I am so upset by animal abuse is because I know that I myself, am an animal.  Most of us are, whether we know it or not.  We shape-shift in another dimension called the nether-world.  My friend Eleni once explained it to me.  She is a (large predatory) cat in this other dimension.  I told her I didn’t know what I was, but over the years I have come to find out how I most often shape-shift.  I looked into the mirror early last week on a trip I took out to the desert in the middle of Washington State when I stopped at a store to use the bathroom and what I saw almost startled me.  I saw my reflection in the mirror and I am indeed a wolf.  I saw a wolves’ eyes staring back at me.  I know I also shape-shift into an owl and a rabbit sometimes.

So most all of us are all animals in other dimensions.  I hope there is divine justice for these fucks who abuse animals.  I pray to the angles that justice will be delivered.  I’d like to think that there is some justice in this universe.  Maybe karma, so if people don’t pay for things in this life, they pay for it in the afterlife or in a future life.  I think that people will experience pain until a deeper understanding of their actions is reached, so that is kind of like karma.

My biggest struggle at this point is to open up to the world again.  I have closed myself in.  I moved across the country and took on a challenging opportunity to advance my current career.  It has been a tough but rewarding experience so far.  But I’ve closed my Cancerian shell to the world and I’m hiding inside.  I want to run away and just be far away from everyone and the entire world.  I feel I don’t belong to this world.  I feel I can’t relate to anyone in this world.  It is almost like nearly everyone is an alien to me.  I have to struggle to relate to anyone and I just hold on to any most superficial thing we can small-talk about.  I don’t get sucked into any dramas.  I have no desire to be a part of any dramas.

I have goals that will help me to open up to the world more.  When I left VA, my heart was open to the cosmos and people were pouring into my life and I was making progress in all aspects of my life.  I have to get back to that point, and even push it further.  I’ve got a lot to learn, and a lot to accomplish.

My dreams have been very big recently.  I wake up and I am like, woah, that was big stuff.  In a dream last week, an asteroid hit earth and destroyed everything.  Everyone in my dream  was really happy to see it all destroyed though.  Everyone was kind of relieved like, whew, finally!  That crap is over now!  I often have to view the world through rose-tinted glasses.  Sometimes it truly does feel magical.  It almost reaches the state like it feels in dreams, but it is still pretty rare for me.  Just living in this world is subjecting ourselves to much lower vibrations than a lot of us experience in dreams.  I always find myself in magical dream worlds where all kinds of cool stuff is happening.  Then I wake up and am like man, what happened?  Then I go live in this mundane world where things are sometimes cool, but most of the time they kinda suck.

I’m not as happy as I used to be.  I don’t know what my problem is because I have every reason to be happy.  I still manage to work hard and do it with a smile.  The positive thing is that I am accomplishing all my dreams one by one.  It’s just a struggle of a ride to make it happen.  Music helps.  In fact, without music, I probably would have committed suicide a long time ago.  Getting lost in music is the closest I can get during the waking hours to the way my soul feels during my dream existence.

I have a lot more to say, personal stuff about myself and commentary on all kinds of things, and it will all be coming soon.  Thank you, reflection.
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