Mike (perturbedbeats) wrote,

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I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real

I fell off the livejournal wagon yet again.  I’m going to try to get back on again.  Life has been okay.  I’ve started to fall into this extreme stasis lately.  I’m not happy, not sad, not angry.  I’m just calm and occasionally annoyed.  I’ve been watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos online and I think it has been bringing my mood down at least a little.  I try to think about things to look forward to in my life.  I’m having a birthday dinner at Tagla Ethiopian Restaurant this Saturday.  Some friends said they’d show up which will be nice.

I’m just kind of at a loss right now.  Trying to figure it all out.  The lyric form a 311 songs pops in my head “What’s it all about?”  My 2 bands aren’t going so hot.  Everything just keeps falling apart and nobody is putting forth any effort to make anything happen although the talent is so there.  I don't think anybody even has any money to even rent out the rehearsal room for an hour or two.

I’m just kinda bummed today.  I’ve been keeping up my gym schedule and running, so I’m in excellent shape which keeps me somewhat happy.  I also realized that I pretty much need coffee to actually feel completely happy.  Without coffee, I am tired, unfocused, unmotivated, and generally apathetic towards life.  With coffee, I am the exact opposite. 

I really feel like I should get a little wild.  I’m planning on buying a Kawasaki Ninja sport bike once I get enough money saved.  I also want to try some different types of drugs.  Cause right now I’m pretty fucking lame.  I’m a reserved polite young man.  I’m boring.  I bore myself.  I also say I’m gonna do things and then don’t do them.  Sometimes I set high goals and I find I don’t have the motivation to accomplish them.  It’s a struggle, which is something I do like since it makes me feel alive.

I’m reading Jared Diamond’s book The Third Chimpanzee.  It’s very good so far.  Jared Diamond is like my intellectual idol.  I’ve got nothing else to write.  Hopefully next entry I’ll feel more full of life.
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